simple joyful moments that won't be ours

Friday 30th June 2000

Red nose day today, it took on a whole new significance for me. I bought a little clown pin and will wear it for the year 2000. Went to Box Hill with Mum and had my fringe trimmed, girl asked me “when are you due”? Do I still look that obvious? That’s a bad question, and the look on people’s faces when told is just priceless. I got my period today, relief and disappointment. I need more time to grieve for Aaron.

I was holding on okay, Mum and I went to Knox, we were going to see a movie, got right to the steps of the cinema and said I don't want to do this today. Don't know what to do, I am lost, lets go. Almost to the car and there was a man holding a little boys hand walking towards us, he was silhouetted against the sun, and he looked like Sam, and it hit so hard. I couldn't breathe, knew how much we lost when our little boy died, Sam is never going to hold his sons hand like that, simple joyful moments that won't be ours.

Mum and I went looking for a councilor today, we talked and talked over coffee and chocolate cake, everything spilled out, anger, fear, blame, doubt. Ended up making an appointment with Dr Mac Donald, he seemed very honest, factual, and positive about the future. We discussed what happened and he said that he would’ve done things differently with regards to the monitor, he also said “I wouldn’t send my wife there”. I am strangely calm even though he seemed to imply that my care wasn’t all it should’ve been.

He referred me to a Dr at Monash, a woman this time, and also said that caesarians carry ten times the risk of natural birth for the mother. I'll have to re think on plans for the next baby. 25% of babies die at the last stage and nobody knows why. He told me about taking the hospital to court, and said it would have to be a civil case against the hospital. If called to testify on what I'd told him, he would have to say that the guidelines were followed.

Things could have been done better, and the monitor should have been used but we still may have had the same outcome. If the records have been changed then go to a solicitor, look for whiteout, page numbers out of sync and different pens. I'll get all the records I can before deciding on the next steps.

Sam says that when she broke the waters nothing came out. How did they come to write "Heavily meconium stained" on the report?
Val also gave me name of a Dr, I'm going to shop around this time! God dammed bastards aren't going to get me again!