Wednesday, June 30, 2010

simple joyful moments that won't be ours

Friday 30th June 2000

Red nose day today, it took on a whole new significance for me. I bought a little clown pin and will wear it for the year 2000. Went to Box Hill with Mum and had my fringe trimmed, girl asked me “when are you due”? Do I still look that obvious? That’s a bad question, and the look on people’s faces when told is just priceless. I got my period today, relief and disappointment. I need more time to grieve for Aaron.

I was holding on okay, Mum and I went to Knox, we were going to see a movie, got right to the steps of the cinema and said I don't want to do this today. Don't know what to do, I am lost, lets go. Almost to the car and there was a man holding a little boys hand walking towards us, he was silhouetted against the sun, and he looked like Sam, and it hit so hard. I couldn't breathe, knew how much we lost when our little boy died, Sam is never going to hold his sons hand like that, simple joyful moments that won't be ours.

Mum and I went looking for a councilor today, we talked and talked over coffee and chocolate cake, everything spilled out, anger, fear, blame, doubt. Ended up making an appointment with Dr Mac Donald, he seemed very honest, factual, and positive about the future. We discussed what happened and he said that he would’ve done things differently with regards to the monitor, he also said “I wouldn’t send my wife there”. I am strangely calm even though he seemed to imply that my care wasn’t all it should’ve been.

He referred me to a Dr at Monash, a woman this time, and also said that caesarians carry ten times the risk of natural birth for the mother. I'll have to re think on plans for the next baby. 25% of babies die at the last stage and nobody knows why. He told me about taking the hospital to court, and said it would have to be a civil case against the hospital. If called to testify on what I'd told him, he would have to say that the guidelines were followed.

Things could have been done better, and the monitor should have been used but we still may have had the same outcome. If the records have been changed then go to a solicitor, look for whiteout, page numbers out of sync and different pens. I'll get all the records I can before deciding on the next steps.

Sam says that when she broke the waters nothing came out. How did they come to write "Heavily meconium stained" on the report?
Val also gave me name of a Dr, I'm going to shop around this time! God dammed bastards aren't going to get me again!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

No tears today

Tuesday 20th June

Second day back at work, it’s so weird to be back, nothing much has changed, yet I’ve changed so much. When someone asks me about the baby next time, I’m going to tell them about him before I say that he died. I never get to tell anyone about him or his birth because they get away as fast as they can, or change the subject.

I want to send myself a congratulation card to make his birth seem real and something to celebrate. I’m always in card shops, I am drawn to them, looking for this perfect card to send myself. I looked for a locket to buy with my birthday money, it has to be just right. I also want an oval frame to put his picture in.

No tears today

Waiting for the autopsy results, still blame the midwife for not putting the heart monitor on me, maybe it would’ve changed things. Now we’ll never know. Angry with them all. Dr Bailey should’ve been there. The other Doctor should’ve stitched me up, instead of a learner. For Gods sake, she’d never stitched before. I won’t accept another learner next time, they were joking around with us, we weren’t worried. All the while our baby was dying. Dying while they wasted what little time we had left with him. He should have checked on Aaron’s condition so that I could have gone to him sooner. He should’ve let me know what was going on, not left it to the midwife, and he should’ve come back to let me know. The hospital never got in touch, and neither did Edwina. I don’t think I could go back there again. How am I going to get through another pregnancy? I keep on thinking, “what if it happens again”? I know it’s unlikely but I don’t trust statistics, I don’t trust anyone. If they can do a caesarian next time, then why not this time?

Friday, June 18, 2010

My Birthday

Sunday 18th June 2000

My 36th birthday.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Cake and candles is the last thing I feel like

Saturday 17th June 2000

Perry's birthday today, mine tomorrow. Cake and candles is the last thing I feel like at the moment. It’s hard to think about having my birthday without Aaron. I used to think about my birthday when I was pregnant. I’d have a baby for my present. Maybe when my birthday is over I’ll feel a bit better. Sundays are hard anyway. It’s like a video replay, which I keep waiting to change, I keep waiting for the baby at the end to take home and I get nothing. Cheated! I just feel so cheated! Crying all day. Tears at anything. Home alone. Put the picture of all of us in the frame that mum gave me.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The last of the autumn leaves are about to fall.....

Friday 9th June 2000

Winter has truly set in and it has been raining for a week now. The last of the autumn leaves are about to fall. The tree outside the office window, which last week was covered in red and gold now has one red leaf left. Time is passing but for me it seems to be standing still. Standing still in that room at the Childrens. So many things go through my head, I don’t know where to start.

We had a little boy Sam and I, we had already decided on his name. Sam knew all along that he was a boy, I kind of guessed but wasn’t sure. I can clearly see the moment he came out, yes a boy.

We called him Aaron Joseph and he looked so much like Sam.
I look back through this diary, I wanted to give it to the baby. I wanted a record just in case something happened to me. I wanted to show how much I wanted and loved this baby growing inside me. I was so naive, so sure that it would all go well, so confident that our baby wouldn’t end up in the intensive care room they showed us at the hospital.