Sunday, June 20, 2010

No tears today

Tuesday 20th June

Second day back at work, it’s so weird to be back, nothing much has changed, yet I’ve changed so much. When someone asks me about the baby next time, I’m going to tell them about him before I say that he died. I never get to tell anyone about him or his birth because they get away as fast as they can, or change the subject.

I want to send myself a congratulation card to make his birth seem real and something to celebrate. I’m always in card shops, I am drawn to them, looking for this perfect card to send myself. I looked for a locket to buy with my birthday money, it has to be just right. I also want an oval frame to put his picture in.

No tears today

Waiting for the autopsy results, still blame the midwife for not putting the heart monitor on me, maybe it would’ve changed things. Now we’ll never know. Angry with them all. Dr Bailey should’ve been there. The other Doctor should’ve stitched me up, instead of a learner. For Gods sake, she’d never stitched before. I won’t accept another learner next time, they were joking around with us, we weren’t worried. All the while our baby was dying. Dying while they wasted what little time we had left with him. He should have checked on Aaron’s condition so that I could have gone to him sooner. He should’ve let me know what was going on, not left it to the midwife, and he should’ve come back to let me know. The hospital never got in touch, and neither did Edwina. I don’t think I could go back there again. How am I going to get through another pregnancy? I keep on thinking, “what if it happens again”? I know it’s unlikely but I don’t trust statistics, I don’t trust anyone. If they can do a caesarian next time, then why not this time?

No comments:

Post a Comment