He would be three months old now...

Friday 21st July 2000

Annette at the video shop has given our number to Kylie, the girl in Warburton whose baby died. She works in Yarra Junction. I had been wondering how they were getting on. Annette says that she looks all right, I wonder how many people say that about us? There is a need for a group in this area, who knows how many others there are.

Reading back on those early days after Aaron’s death, I realise how confused I was, how traumatised, it’s been twelve weeks and I don’t remember where the days went. I know the time has passed, thinking of the autumn leaves makes me see just how much time has slowed since 23rd of April. Now the trees are bare, daffodils are in the shops, spring bulbs are coming up. He would be three months old now.
My strongest desire at the moment is to hold a newborn, has to be a boy, a dark haired boy, about 9lbs, and has to be as close to Aaron as possible. Sometimes I see people in the street with newborn babies that I imagine Aaron looking like, I long to have a hold, to feel the weight, the softness. I think of the strange looks I might get if I asked a stranger in the street if I could hold their baby. Blonde babies don’t worry me, they don’t have the same effect as the dark haired ones, my eyes always follow the dark ones.